cannotcrossdress | IC Contact Post

[He sighs. For a second he wonders, not for the first time, if he should even be talking about this.

Buuut it'd be sort of hard to back out now. So.]

I haven't told anyone about this, but...there's a miko in the village. Hino Rei.

The night I got here, I showed up in her house. Scared her pretty bad, I guess, because--

[Hold on! Sidetrack. This time he turns and actually looks at her, seeming more than a little irritated.] Did you know miko actually have...powers? Some kind of spiritual garbage?

[He isn't the only one who thought they were all a sham, right?]

Ah! Hino-san! [Chizuru's eyes lit up in recognition.] Yes, we spoke quite a bit after that incident, actually...

[She smiles brightly.] I don't think you have too much to worry about! She says there are all kinds of types in this place. I doubt you were the first person she threw an ofuda on.

[She almost wants to laugh about it, looking back on it now--but Hijikata appeared genuinely concerned about the whole thing.] I don't think all miko do, but onmyouji, miko--a lot of them have connection to the supernatural, don't they?

[Oh, so she does know about that ofuda thing. Faaantastic.

Well, it means he can skip that part, at least. Man, a few years ago, he didn't have to worry about rasetsu, or oni, or miko who aren't just trying to cheat you. That was the life.]

Anyway, we spoke again the other day, and... [Looking back out that window again. Suddenly it's a really interesting window.]

I might have let it slip that you're something other than human.

[Girls talk, Hijikata. Girls talk about you. Aren't you used to it by now?]

You...[It was enough that they were talking again--but most of all, what were they talking about that resulted in her coming up?!] ...you what...? [What did he mean 'might'?] What does she know?!

[How could you do this?! Why would you do this?! Keep calm, Chizuru. Keep calm. Hijikata doesn't make stupid mistakes. You trust him. He's just as concerned about your safety as you are, keep calm...]

[Nope and he never will be HE NEVER ASKED FOR ALL THOSE FANGIRLS--

Maaan, Chizuru. Don't sound so...so hurt and worried, this is exactly why he didn't want to talk about this uuuugh.

Shoving through the guilt, he continues, trying to sound more like a vice commander should.] I didn't give her any details, if that's what you're asking.

[Sighing, he glances back outside.] I implied--vaguely--that she might not be trustworthy, and she about bit my head off. Went on about how rude I am, and how she'd stop me if I ever lost control... [He shakes his head, the corners of his lips turning up ever so slightly. Teenagers, amirite?

Anyway, that's not the important part, so on he goes.] She mentioned that she'd talked with you. And I assumed she had meant in person, like an idiot. I assumed she knew already, because that's how it happened when I showed up. Knew just by looking at me.

So, I told her that if she ever tries anything funny on you, that we'd have a problem. Then I left. [In a few more words than that, and being more specific, but this is the nutshell version.

He faces her after this. Might as well be straight with her.] I didn't use the word "demon," but if she's any kind of smart, she knows you're not rasetsu, either.

[Just as Hijikata looks outside, Chizuru turns her face away from Hijikata. Her face was burning hotly--out of panic, embarrassment, anger--she couldn't be sure what. She somehow couldn't wrap her mind around being upset with Hijikata about it. He certainly didn't mean to, and it wasn't out of malice. But...but she'd been trying so hard to avoid having any attention drawn to them, to her...]

I...[Her voice was quiet as it refused to rise from her throat. She cleared it, and spoke again, this time with more conviction.] I knew she'd find out eventually. Especially if we were ever to meet in person. [She looked back up to Hijikata, her expression softly sympathetic.] Don't dwell on it, Hijikata-san. Bringing it up was probably for the best. This way it doesn't appear as though we are trying to hide anything.

[She looked back to her hands, gripping the other so tight, they trembled. It took a great feat of willpower not to be frightened for the fallout, but she had to have faith that Rei wouldn't abuse the power that came with her knowledge.] Have you told the others about it yet? About everything.

[...Speaking of nothing to hide.

Hijikata shakes his head, avoiding Chizuru's gaze again.] Sure haven't. Of course, they could have guessed by now. It's not like I've been sneaky about it or anything. [Except he totally has. Knowing that pretty much everyone is from years before him, letting on that even their vice-commander couldn't escape the ochimizu isn't high on his to-do list.

Also, the presence of the other Okita and ...whatever the hell Kohaku is... makes the whole thing that much more problematic.] If Heisuke knows, he hasn't said as much.

[He squints a little before continuing.] I never asked you what "everything" even means for you, did I? What was going on before you came here?

['Cuz he's seriously hoping she doesn't remember that he---no, he doesn't want to think about it.]

[Her grip loosens, and lowers her voice so it can only be heard between the two of them.] Why haven't you told them? Don't you want them to know?

[It's not her business to tell anyone what happened at Toba-Fushimi, and his right and duty as vice-commander. But she worried about how cohesive they would be as a unit if they weren't all on the same page.]

I don't think he does. As far as they know, you cut your hair simply because we had to bow to foreign pressure, I think. [It's only then that, as she said those daring words that she realized just how tall Hijikata was beside her, and how small she felt. Though shorter than Okita and Harada, the sheer force of Hijikata's personality dwarfed them all, and his imposing presence made her acutely aware of just how easily she could be subdued if she ever mis-stepped.

As a rasetsu now, all the more aware was she of the delicate line Hijikata toed. She lowers her head, dropping her hands into her lap as she began to pick at one of her nails.] I mean...I don't think that's what anyone thinks...but I imagine they all have questions they'd rather have answered, rather than left to speculation...

[Looking up to Hijikata, it's painful, how clear his fatigue was. It weighed down all his features - a man who appeared as delicate as the sakura was now sharp and tired.

...just how long had it been, since he'd first taken the ochimizu? Was this all because of the bloodlust?]

We'd just buried Yamazaki-san.

I... [He can't decide quite how to answer her question...so he takes the easier way out.] If Okita and Kohaku weren't here, it might be different. But... [He looks down in contemplation. He's not sure if Souji even told his unsettling counterpart about the ochimizu.

And he's not eager for him to know, if he doesn't already. Outside of reprimands and battle topics, communication has never been one of Hijikata's strengths.

At Chizuru's guessing about his makeover, he gives a grim smile.] That's not too far from the truth.

["I imagine they all have questions they'd rather have answered, rather than left to speculation..." The smile remains when she indirectly asks her next question, but fades when she mentions Yamazaki.

That seems like it happened a decade ago. He nods before meeting her uncertain gaze once again.]

For me, it's going on a year since Toba-Fushimi. If you have questions, I suppose now's as good a time as any for you to ask them. [He sighs almost inaudibly.] Just be careful what they are, because I'm going to tell you the truth.

[And then he steels himself for what she might say. Wondering not for the first time why he feels so frustratingly vulnerable.]

[Nothing about that smile Hijikata gave was warm, and it unsettles Chizuru. Something happened, and he wasn't volunteering what. But Chizuru knows better than to press forward, and instead contemplates the vice-commander's next words.]

A year..?! [Chizuru's response is breathless. The way Hijikata has changed - it seems like the time that separated them was much longer than that. Was a mere year enough to make things feel this distant between them?

Of course. It only took a day for them to lose two of their most valued members...Inoue and Yamazaki...no. She wasn't going to allow tears to spoil this precious moment alone with Hijikata. Not when he was being so candid, so open to what she has to say...maybe there was some good news somewhere in there.]

What...[Her eyes reflect a glimmer of hope that hasn't died in her heart, not even in the face of her companions' demise.]...what of my father?

[...Damn. Of course she would ask about Koudou.

Suddenly regretting his earlier promise, Hijikata quickly runs through all the ways he could reply:

"He's dead, Chizuru. He was a bastard and a traitor and he died and he had it coming."

"And he saved you doing it. Wasn't just him, either. That battle took Heisuke and Sannan-san out all at once."

But he can't make himself say it. So he sighs and tells her not quite what she wants to hear, but the truth nonetheless:]

You aren't going to like it, Chizuru. [The look he gives her next clearly expresses that if she presses the issue, he will tell her, but is she sure?]

[Chizuru was bracing herself for the worst news. She held her breath, tears already threatening to run over her cheeks for what he could possibly tell her. He was dead, he was still missing, he--

Hijikata's response was worse than anything she could prepare herself for. Why would he say that? Was there any question?! Don't leave her in suspense..!] No!

[There was no controlling her volume now. The tears started, and she took both hands to Hijikata's sleeve, gripping it, tugging on his arm as she pleaded.] After all this...if you know something..! It's why I'm here, isn't it?! [Her knuckles grew white, trembling all the way up to her shoulders.] You have to tell me!

[He tenses up as she grabs him, begging him to tell her what he knows. His gut reaction is to try and step back, to push her away...

"Dammit!" This was easier the first time. When she had a father's body to mourn over. When she wasn't right there and he could give her the space she needed.

He closes his eyes and exhales, lungs collapsing in defeat. He doesn't open them when he breathes in again; he doesn't want to look at her. He doesn't want to look anywhere.]

We were in Sendai. The... [Should he give her the full explanation? Would that help or would it be even more cruel? Dammit.] Sannan-san and your father had made more rasetsu and...turned them loose. It was like hell.

I...saw three of them lunge at you. Koudou stepped in front of you, and...

[He shakes his head; he wants it to be over. He wants to not have to see the way she's looking at him.] I'm sorry.

[The grip she held on Hijikata's sleeve loosened. He didn't need to push her away, as she stepped back, practically pushed by the blow his words dealt.]

H..he...[The tears that lined her eyes silently spilled over her lashes and trailed down her cheeks. She recoiled, bringing her hands defensively to her chest. Her shoulders shook as she fought to maintain what composure she could.]...he was protecting me, wasn't he?

[She lowered her head, unable to speak for fear that only sobs would come out. It was always protection, wasn't it? Because she was there, for what purpose? It only put people at risk. Inoue, Yamazaki...her father, too. If she wasn't there...]

Thank you. For telling me. [She could barely whisper the words, and she'd be lying if she claimed that she sincerely meant it. But it was her own fault for asking, wasn't it? Did she really expect differently, the way things had progressed?

Perhaps she should be grateful that she was there for his last moments. Did he suffer? Was it quick? She had more questions, but she didn't dare ask more of Hijikata. Not with the way things were developing. She probably didn't want to know.]

[Hijikata nods stiffly when she asks about her father protecting her.

He's perfectly aware of how she blames herself for that kind of thing. It's for that reason he wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her: "None of this has ever been your fault."

Instead, his gaze softens just enough, and he glances over to her with concern.] You don't need to put that brave face on if you don't want to, you know.

[It's almost a little unsettling. This Chizuru hadn't actually been there, not yet. Shouldn't she be angry at him? Reflexively, he thinks back to the last time he saw Souji, before coming here.

People yell at him when their loved ones die on his watch, and not without reason.]

[Hijikata's words were enough to unleash a hiccup of a sob from Chizuru's throat, but she quickly stifles it, bringing the heel of her palm up to her tear-soaked cheek in order to catch the tears that were falling.] I can't--

[Speaking wasn't probable at this point. If she opened up at all, the odds of a deluge of feelings following was high. It wasn't fair to Hijikata. He had already been carrying this burden all this time, it mustn't have been easy to share that news, after all.

But what did this mean. If her father is dead, what did that mean for her? So many uncertainties, so many questions - even in this strange place they found themselves in, she could at least rest knowing that she had a place with the Shinsengumi. The goal of finding her father hadn't changed just because of different scenery. But...if this was how it was going to end, then...was there really a place for her, anymore?]

[He can't do much more than watch her, at this point. He feels like he should probably offer some sort of comforting words, but hell, that's never been one of his strengths.

"I'm sorry?" No, he said that already.

Well, in the absence of being able to deal, there's always retreat.

Stepping away from the window, finally, he stops at Chizuru's side just briefly, looking down at her tear-streaked face. Dammit. Well, Toshi, you've made yet another girl cry. Congratulations.

He lifts his hand, about to rest it on her shoulder in a wordless message of support, then thinks better of it. Giving an almost apologetic sigh, he moves to head back through the living room.]

W-wait! [Chizuru's arm statches out, her fingers pinching onto the edge of Hijikata's sleeve. She tugs lightly, only enough to make him aware that she had taken a hold of it.] Please...

[She still had questions that needed answering. What become of her then? Did she go back home to Edo? Did she continue to help the Shinsengumi in whatever way she could? What about Sannan-san? Was he really a traitor? He couldn't just leave her in suspense, could he?]

[He knows why she stopped him, more or less. But he can't guess as to the full scope of her questions.

So, he simply looks over his shoulder at her, waiting for her to continue. But he doesn't take his hand away.]

[He doesn't need to. Once she realizes he wasn't going to just go away, she released his sleeve.]

What happens after that? [Does she even need to say it? With her father dead, do they even bother keeping her around? It made the most sense, but after everything she's witnessed, all they've been through...she can't imagine life without them, at this point.]

[He shakes his head slowly.] I don't know. I woke up here not long afterwards.

[It's not entirely a lie. She's asking what happens to her, right? He can safely say he has no idea. After he ordered her to stay behind while he went off to die in Ezo, at least.

He has to remind himself yet again how that was the right decision to make and he definitely does not regret it at all, no sir.] But I...I think your future will be a good one. You shouldn't worry about that.

[Chizuru searches Hijikata's face for some twitch, a flickering of emotion on his usually dynamic face to betray some inkling of what he meant. She began to lose track of how long she had spent doing so, failing to realize that at this point she was probably staring.]

.....

[How could he tell her not to worry, when there was nothing to be said of him, or the others?] ...what is that supposed to mean?

[His face does finally twitch at her inquiry; no more than a typical scowl as he looks away yet again.]

It means exactly what I said.

[And before she can get a word in edgewise:] It's getting late, Chizuru.

[He can't hide how tired he is from his voice anymore. Or he just doesn't want to. And discussing his and his companions' imminent deaths wouldn't exactly help matters.]

[That doesn't answer her question, and only leads her to make assumptions. Hijikata, don't you realize that Bad Things happen when Chizuru's left to her own imagination?

Still, she takes a step back, distancing herself from the vice-commander. She brings her hands together and rests them in her lap.] I'm sorry to keep you up.

[He glances back over his shoulder with a strange look on his face. He didn't mean that to say she was keeping him up, but the opposite. He can't help but wonder if she already knows he won't be sleeping much tonight regardless and is only keeping up appearances. If that's the case, he isn't sure how he feels about it.

Finally he manages a curt:] You worry too much.

[And with that, he heads back to his room, no doubt leaving her with too much to worry about anyway. But it's not a conversation he feels like having right now. Not after everything he's already said.]

IC Contact Post :: LUCETI

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