cannotcrossdress | IC Contact Post

[Sup Chizuru. Are you sick of this whole "the captains all have issues and come interrupt and/or wake me up in the middle of the night to talk about them and/or threaten me depending on the day" thing?

Well I sure hope not! Because here's one now! Knocking on your door because you weren't anywhere else in the house.

Technically it's not the middle of the night, and lucky for you, because what is Hijikata's sleep schedule even. It's after dinner, though, hope she's still awake...?

So, yeah. Knock knock!]

[It's a good thing Chizuru isn't sick of it! --but honestly, couldn't she ever, really? Even if she could, she won't. Not if she knows what's good for her.

It's a good thing it's not the middle of the night, otherwise Hijikata would find Chizuru in a state of undress. Luckily she'd yet to even get her things together to bathe, so there was little delay in her answering the door.]

Eh?! [It was the best thing Chizuru could come up with through the initial shock of seeing Hijikata at her bedroom door. What could he possibly want? And why would he come to her room to talk to her? Knowing his view on propriety and 'the way things ought to be,' wouldn't he have preferred to speak with her over dinner or in...well, a not-bedroom place?] Hi-Hijikata-san..?

[Well, that was a little better.]

[Wow, Chizuru. Real smooth. He sort of just blinks at her obvious shock. Not that he can blame her...this is probably the first time he's actually done this, isn't it? But oh well this is important!!

But yes, propriety and such, so he won't be actually entering her room ~~unlike that creeper Souji~~. Instead, he just pretends nothing about this is weird and asks:]

Do you have a minute?

[That's Chizuru. One smooth operator. She blinks out of her tizzy of questions.] Oh! O-of course!

[She opens the door wider, but doesn't step out close enough to determine if there's anyone in the hallway - but surely Hijikata's already taken care of that, right?]

What is it?

[....You know what? He can't do it. He can't just storm into a girl's room like he owns it. Or at least not this one's. That is weird and creepy and not what someone of your rank should be doing Toshizo why are you thinking about this stop.

So, taking her answer as a "yes," he turns to the side, leaving the doorway clear.]

Let's take a walk.

[He's using that we need to talk tone, Chizuru.]

[Oh dear. That didn't sound pleasant at all. The tension that had left Chizuru at the thought of taking a bath came rushing back, and she stiffly stepped out into the hallway.

She hadn't...she hadn't done anything wrong, so why was her stomach suddenly in knots?] Is everything alright, Hijikata-san?

[She wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer, but she couldn't just--well, she could just let him talk, but that might just make things even more unpleasant.]

I'll explain. [He's already checked and double-checked that everyone was out, or otherwise occupied. So hopefully, no interruptions were in order.

He heads to the living room, trusting she'll follow before stopping to look out the window, waiting for her to catch up.]

[It doesn't take long for her to catch up. As always, Chizuru is on Hijikata's heels, pausing only at the entrance to the living room to look things over before letting herself in.

She followed Hijikata over to the window, following his gaze outside to see what was out there that would demand his attention.]

Edited 2012-09-19 01:51 (UTC)

[Nothing in particular, he's just avoiding looking at her is all. So he continues looking outside when he speaks.]

I...might have screwed up.

[Well, this conversation was all of ten words or so thus far, and as of now every single one of them that came from Hijikata's mouth out-did the other in the realm of surprise.]

Screwed up? [She hadn't seen him do anything wrong, and the others seemed perfectly fine. He must be imagining things, but she won't go so far as to say so just yet. He wouldn't believe her unless he was given the opportunity to explain.] How so?

[He sighs. For a second he wonders, not for the first time, if he should even be talking about this.

Buuut it'd be sort of hard to back out now. So.]

I haven't told anyone about this, but...there's a miko in the village. Hino Rei.

The night I got here, I showed up in her house. Scared her pretty bad, I guess, because--

[Hold on! Sidetrack. This time he turns and actually looks at her, seeming more than a little irritated.] Did you know miko actually have...powers? Some kind of spiritual garbage?

[He isn't the only one who thought they were all a sham, right?]

Ah! Hino-san! [Chizuru's eyes lit up in recognition.] Yes, we spoke quite a bit after that incident, actually...

[She smiles brightly.] I don't think you have too much to worry about! She says there are all kinds of types in this place. I doubt you were the first person she threw an ofuda on.

[She almost wants to laugh about it, looking back on it now--but Hijikata appeared genuinely concerned about the whole thing.] I don't think all miko do, but onmyouji, miko--a lot of them have connection to the supernatural, don't they?

[Oh, so she does know about that ofuda thing. Faaantastic.

Well, it means he can skip that part, at least. Man, a few years ago, he didn't have to worry about rasetsu, or oni, or miko who aren't just trying to cheat you. That was the life.]

Anyway, we spoke again the other day, and... [Looking back out that window again. Suddenly it's a really interesting window.]

I might have let it slip that you're something other than human.

[Girls talk, Hijikata. Girls talk about you. Aren't you used to it by now?]

You...[It was enough that they were talking again--but most of all, what were they talking about that resulted in her coming up?!] ...you what...? [What did he mean 'might'?] What does she know?!

[How could you do this?! Why would you do this?! Keep calm, Chizuru. Keep calm. Hijikata doesn't make stupid mistakes. You trust him. He's just as concerned about your safety as you are, keep calm...]

[Nope and he never will be HE NEVER ASKED FOR ALL THOSE FANGIRLS--

Maaan, Chizuru. Don't sound so...so hurt and worried, this is exactly why he didn't want to talk about this uuuugh.

Shoving through the guilt, he continues, trying to sound more like a vice commander should.] I didn't give her any details, if that's what you're asking.

[Sighing, he glances back outside.] I implied--vaguely--that she might not be trustworthy, and she about bit my head off. Went on about how rude I am, and how she'd stop me if I ever lost control... [He shakes his head, the corners of his lips turning up ever so slightly. Teenagers, amirite?

Anyway, that's not the important part, so on he goes.] She mentioned that she'd talked with you. And I assumed she had meant in person, like an idiot. I assumed she knew already, because that's how it happened when I showed up. Knew just by looking at me.

So, I told her that if she ever tries anything funny on you, that we'd have a problem. Then I left. [In a few more words than that, and being more specific, but this is the nutshell version.

He faces her after this. Might as well be straight with her.] I didn't use the word "demon," but if she's any kind of smart, she knows you're not rasetsu, either.

[Just as Hijikata looks outside, Chizuru turns her face away from Hijikata. Her face was burning hotly--out of panic, embarrassment, anger--she couldn't be sure what. She somehow couldn't wrap her mind around being upset with Hijikata about it. He certainly didn't mean to, and it wasn't out of malice. But...but she'd been trying so hard to avoid having any attention drawn to them, to her...]

I...[Her voice was quiet as it refused to rise from her throat. She cleared it, and spoke again, this time with more conviction.] I knew she'd find out eventually. Especially if we were ever to meet in person. [She looked back up to Hijikata, her expression softly sympathetic.] Don't dwell on it, Hijikata-san. Bringing it up was probably for the best. This way it doesn't appear as though we are trying to hide anything.

[She looked back to her hands, gripping the other so tight, they trembled. It took a great feat of willpower not to be frightened for the fallout, but she had to have faith that Rei wouldn't abuse the power that came with her knowledge.] Have you told the others about it yet? About everything.

[...Speaking of nothing to hide.

Hijikata shakes his head, avoiding Chizuru's gaze again.] Sure haven't. Of course, they could have guessed by now. It's not like I've been sneaky about it or anything. [Except he totally has. Knowing that pretty much everyone is from years before him, letting on that even their vice-commander couldn't escape the ochimizu isn't high on his to-do list.

Also, the presence of the other Okita and ...whatever the hell Kohaku is... makes the whole thing that much more problematic.] If Heisuke knows, he hasn't said as much.

[He squints a little before continuing.] I never asked you what "everything" even means for you, did I? What was going on before you came here?

['Cuz he's seriously hoping she doesn't remember that he---no, he doesn't want to think about it.]

[Her grip loosens, and lowers her voice so it can only be heard between the two of them.] Why haven't you told them? Don't you want them to know?

[It's not her business to tell anyone what happened at Toba-Fushimi, and his right and duty as vice-commander. But she worried about how cohesive they would be as a unit if they weren't all on the same page.]

I don't think he does. As far as they know, you cut your hair simply because we had to bow to foreign pressure, I think. [It's only then that, as she said those daring words that she realized just how tall Hijikata was beside her, and how small she felt. Though shorter than Okita and Harada, the sheer force of Hijikata's personality dwarfed them all, and his imposing presence made her acutely aware of just how easily she could be subdued if she ever mis-stepped.

As a rasetsu now, all the more aware was she of the delicate line Hijikata toed. She lowers her head, dropping her hands into her lap as she began to pick at one of her nails.] I mean...I don't think that's what anyone thinks...but I imagine they all have questions they'd rather have answered, rather than left to speculation...

[Looking up to Hijikata, it's painful, how clear his fatigue was. It weighed down all his features - a man who appeared as delicate as the sakura was now sharp and tired.

...just how long had it been, since he'd first taken the ochimizu? Was this all because of the bloodlust?]

We'd just buried Yamazaki-san.

I... [He can't decide quite how to answer her question...so he takes the easier way out.] If Okita and Kohaku weren't here, it might be different. But... [He looks down in contemplation. He's not sure if Souji even told his unsettling counterpart about the ochimizu.

And he's not eager for him to know, if he doesn't already. Outside of reprimands and battle topics, communication has never been one of Hijikata's strengths.

At Chizuru's guessing about his makeover, he gives a grim smile.] That's not too far from the truth.

["I imagine they all have questions they'd rather have answered, rather than left to speculation..." The smile remains when she indirectly asks her next question, but fades when she mentions Yamazaki.

That seems like it happened a decade ago. He nods before meeting her uncertain gaze once again.]

For me, it's going on a year since Toba-Fushimi. If you have questions, I suppose now's as good a time as any for you to ask them. [He sighs almost inaudibly.] Just be careful what they are, because I'm going to tell you the truth.

[And then he steels himself for what she might say. Wondering not for the first time why he feels so frustratingly vulnerable.]

[Nothing about that smile Hijikata gave was warm, and it unsettles Chizuru. Something happened, and he wasn't volunteering what. But Chizuru knows better than to press forward, and instead contemplates the vice-commander's next words.]

A year..?! [Chizuru's response is breathless. The way Hijikata has changed - it seems like the time that separated them was much longer than that. Was a mere year enough to make things feel this distant between them?

Of course. It only took a day for them to lose two of their most valued members...Inoue and Yamazaki...no. She wasn't going to allow tears to spoil this precious moment alone with Hijikata. Not when he was being so candid, so open to what she has to say...maybe there was some good news somewhere in there.]

What...[Her eyes reflect a glimmer of hope that hasn't died in her heart, not even in the face of her companions' demise.]...what of my father?

[...Damn. Of course she would ask about Koudou.

Suddenly regretting his earlier promise, Hijikata quickly runs through all the ways he could reply:

"He's dead, Chizuru. He was a bastard and a traitor and he died and he had it coming."

"And he saved you doing it. Wasn't just him, either. That battle took Heisuke and Sannan-san out all at once."

But he can't make himself say it. So he sighs and tells her not quite what she wants to hear, but the truth nonetheless:]

You aren't going to like it, Chizuru. [The look he gives her next clearly expresses that if she presses the issue, he will tell her, but is she sure?]

[Chizuru was bracing herself for the worst news. She held her breath, tears already threatening to run over her cheeks for what he could possibly tell her. He was dead, he was still missing, he--

Hijikata's response was worse than anything she could prepare herself for. Why would he say that? Was there any question?! Don't leave her in suspense..!] No!

[There was no controlling her volume now. The tears started, and she took both hands to Hijikata's sleeve, gripping it, tugging on his arm as she pleaded.] After all this...if you know something..! It's why I'm here, isn't it?! [Her knuckles grew white, trembling all the way up to her shoulders.] You have to tell me!

[He tenses up as she grabs him, begging him to tell her what he knows. His gut reaction is to try and step back, to push her away...

"Dammit!" This was easier the first time. When she had a father's body to mourn over. When she wasn't right there and he could give her the space she needed.

He closes his eyes and exhales, lungs collapsing in defeat. He doesn't open them when he breathes in again; he doesn't want to look at her. He doesn't want to look anywhere.]

We were in Sendai. The... [Should he give her the full explanation? Would that help or would it be even more cruel? Dammit.] Sannan-san and your father had made more rasetsu and...turned them loose. It was like hell.

I...saw three of them lunge at you. Koudou stepped in front of you, and...

[He shakes his head; he wants it to be over. He wants to not have to see the way she's looking at him.] I'm sorry.

[The grip she held on Hijikata's sleeve loosened. He didn't need to push her away, as she stepped back, practically pushed by the blow his words dealt.]

H..he...[The tears that lined her eyes silently spilled over her lashes and trailed down her cheeks. She recoiled, bringing her hands defensively to her chest. Her shoulders shook as she fought to maintain what composure she could.]...he was protecting me, wasn't he?

[She lowered her head, unable to speak for fear that only sobs would come out. It was always protection, wasn't it? Because she was there, for what purpose? It only put people at risk. Inoue, Yamazaki...her father, too. If she wasn't there...]

Thank you. For telling me. [She could barely whisper the words, and she'd be lying if she claimed that she sincerely meant it. But it was her own fault for asking, wasn't it? Did she really expect differently, the way things had progressed?

Perhaps she should be grateful that she was there for his last moments. Did he suffer? Was it quick? She had more questions, but she didn't dare ask more of Hijikata. Not with the way things were developing. She probably didn't want to know.]

[Hijikata nods stiffly when she asks about her father protecting her.

He's perfectly aware of how she blames herself for that kind of thing. It's for that reason he wants to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her: "None of this has ever been your fault."

Instead, his gaze softens just enough, and he glances over to her with concern.] You don't need to put that brave face on if you don't want to, you know.

[It's almost a little unsettling. This Chizuru hadn't actually been there, not yet. Shouldn't she be angry at him? Reflexively, he thinks back to the last time he saw Souji, before coming here.

People yell at him when their loved ones die on his watch, and not without reason.]

IC Contact Post :: LUCETI

action; september 8 SURPRISE, we've had like two threads

September 8 FOR ME?! Awww~! ♥

yes happy birthday

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